May 17, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff

Middle, aka Heart Patient, (sorry, unlike yesterday that link actually works today) is like an oreo. Tough on the outside, soft and mushy on the inside.

And she loves her some basketball. This is where she goes to think. To ponder. To plan her life strategy.

The front of the shirt sort of spells that strategy out for us.

It says HOW BAD DO I WANT TO WIN? The back gives us our answer, which pretty much corresponds with her philosophy in life.

You go girl. (P.S. We do have to talk about those sweats though. PULL ‘EM UP!)

May 16, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff

So Middle, aka Heart Patient, came up to me last night pale and shaky and clutching her chest. This is never good. Six minutes and twenty seconds later (yes I was counting) I had her in the ER with her pediatric cardiologist on the phone.

“Don’t panic,” the doctor said. “It could be anything.”

Yeah, not helping.

So once again we went through the whole spiel. The blood work, the EKG, the echocardiogram, the x-rays . . . and the good news? Her heart was still in working order.

The bizarre news is that on top of her bigeminy rhythm she has something called Tietze’s Syndrome. It’s an inflammation between the ribs and the cartilage that is extremely rare, but when it occurs it’s almost always mistaken for a heart attack.

Good to know.

It seems that Middle is destined to give me panic attacks. I should have known from day one when she made her entrance in this world and gave me a mischievous smile. The nurse said it was just gas, but I knew the truth — she was going to give me gray hair before my time.

This has proven true on more than one occasion, and I have a feeling there will be many more. But Middle? If you’re reading this instead of resting like you’re supposed to be, you should know, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

May 15, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff

As unbelievable as this next statement is going to seem — and I have been waiting a long time to type it — the snow is gone from the grass in our front yard!

I still can’t believe I even live in a place where I get to type such a sentence. This ex-Los Angeles girl used to view winter as those two weeks where flip-flops were risky. Ha! How little I knew about Sorrels and fleece-lined jeans and earmuffs.

Anyway, with the snow GONE, Alpha Man and I dragged out the deck furniture and then went beneath the house to turn the pipes back on for the sprinklers. We’d turned them off (and I say we, meaning Alpha Man and the mouse in his pocket) back in late September so that the pipes wouldn’t freeze and break.

Again, a few years back, that would have been a foreign statement to me. Back in Los Angles, nothing froze. NOTHING.

So we crawled beneath the house (okay, I didn’t crawl but I held the flashlight and hey, that’s an important job) and Alpha Man cranked the thingie-ma-bob to the on position. We immediately heard the rush of water and figured all was well.

Ha.

And really, in hindsight, Alpha Man should have known better. Things never go “well” when I’m involved. But I digress. We got distracted by a bird’s nest and then the silly dogs, so it was a few minutes before we walked around the house to the front again but halfway there Alpha Man said a word I’m not going to type here because people don’t like that word apparently, but let me just say it rhythms with luck, which has nothing at all to do with what happened next. Alpha Man took off running, right in the middle of me talking, and I was like hey, talking here!

He didn’t care. When I got to the front of the house, there was water spurting up from beneath our front porch, and I’m not talking a little water. I’m talking geyser. And then there was Alpha Man, diving beneath the porch, ignoring the spiders and gook and gross things that live there, trying to hold back the water with his body. “A pipe burst,” he yelled. “Go turn the water back off!”

Yeah. Okay. Um . . . “I’m not sure I can—“

“Just try!”

Oh boy. I went running back around the house, and then stared into the dark space. I really hate dark spaces. But then I thought of Alpha Man doing his part while risking life and limb. I really hate it when he’s the better person. So I went into the dark space and crawled up to the pipes and guess what.

Problem.

There were two valves and I had absolutely no idea which one to turn. I had my cell phone but I figured calling Alpha Man wasn’t going to really work seeing as he was a tad bit busy trying to hold back the water with his body.

So I turned them both off. Then we dealt with the water cleanup, which took a long time. And then we had pizza because we were starving. And then American Idol came on and I got very distracted. It wasn’t until much later that Alpha Man came up to me. “Is there something you forgot to mention?” he asked.

“Well, now that you think of it, yeah. I sort of found your stash of M&M’s earlier and ate them. All.”

He blinked. “And . . .?”

“And okay, dammit. I ate your ho-ho’s. Sue me.”

He sighed. “Jill, I just went to go take a shower and there’s no water. None.”

Oh yeah! I’d turned off both valves and forgotten to mention it. Only now it was midnight and Alpha Man didn’t feel like crawling beneath the house in the middle of the night. Which meant I didn’t get a shower either.

And worse, I had confessed to the crimes of eating his crap food when I didn’t have to! Next time, I’m going to remember to keep my mouth shut until I know exactly what he knows . . .

May 14, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff

I’ve been going through Mt. Everest of old photos, trying to remember who is who and what year and why I have a photo of my big toe circa 1992. It never fails, I get into the whole photo album thing with pictures carefully organized in piles all around me, and then I hear the patter of feet. “NO!” I yell as the dog comes chasing the cat towards me, scattering pictures everywhere. “NO!” I yell when Middle chases Youngest into the room, both ranting and raving about somebody breathing on somebody or another.

I have called Alpha Man three times today, each time asking the same question. “WHY DO WE HAVE KIDS AND/OR PETS?”

He calmly reminds me that it was all my idea, all of it, and I not so calmly remind him that he has learned nothing. His answer is supposed to be “It’s all my fault”. Always.

A little while ago, Middle came in and said she was VERY TIRED of Youngest, and I showed her this picture. Proof positive that once upon a time, they got along really well.

Alpha Man came home, looked at the picture and laughed. He has an entirely different memory associated with this pic, which is that two seconds after we took it, I turned away to answer the phone and when I turned back, Middle was walking down the hall, carrying Youngest like a basketball tucked up under arm.

I don’t have a picture of that, and maybe that’s for the best . . .

May 13, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff

Not too long ago, my daughter was telling me about a girl she knows, who is crazy mean. I asked about her mom, who I vaguely know, and Oldest said she’s crazy mean too. I remember saying that the apple never falls far from the tree.

Ha. Why do I talk, ever, when I know my words are going to come back and bite me on the ass every time?

Well . . . the other day Oldest pulled her little truck into the garage, got out of the vehicle, ran to the inside garage door, hit the button to shut said door, and then raced up the steps, never looking back.

Which is how she missed the fact that she hadn’t pulled in far enough so the garage door came down, slammed into the backend of her truck, and then lifted again.

Not too long after that, I took the dogs for a walk, came back and noticed that huh, the garage door was open. So I hit the button and went inside the house.

Entirely missing the fact that once again the garage door came down, slammed into the backend of the truck, and then lifted.

Half an hour later, I went out to the garage for a screwdriver, saw that the garage door was open and thought well that’s strange. I thought I shut that thing. So I hit the button and went inside.

Yes. I really did. And for the third time, the garage door came down on the truck.

Youngest came inside and yelled “Mom, she didn’t pull all the way in again and the garage door hit her car! A bunch of times!”

Because apparently she hit the button on the garage three times just to watch it happen.

Oldest looked at me, knowing damn well I’d hit that button myself, twice. “I guess its true, mom. The apple never falls far from the tree.”

Ain’t that the truth.

May 12, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff

Update:
I had so much fun reading all the comments and remembering all the great movies I’ve seen. I couldn’t pick the winners myself so www.random.com helped me out. Jackie Colt and Roxann drew the winning numbers, so congrats there! Email me with your snail mail and a few books choices . . .

Original Post:
First of all, I forgot to say HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all of you, even if your kid is of the four-legged variety, or you’re a penis-carrying human and therefore not quite technically eligible for motherhood. We had a DESPERATELY needed low-key weekend. Yesterday Alpha Man took me out to breakfast and then later bbq’d burgers for dinner, which was right up my alley. Please. Red meat and cheese? My two favorite food groups. Oh, and the Chips Ahoy for dessert was PERFECT. My sweats are tight but it was perfect.

Anyway, it was a movie weekend. We saw WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS in the theater, and then the next day caught TWENTY-SEVEN DRESSES and JUNO on DVD. And then last night we caught one of my old time favorite movies ever, ROMANCING THE STONE.

Basically, I’ve swamped myself in romantic comedies. I love all movies, but do have to admit to a soft spot for the romantic comedy. Maybe because it’s my favorite genre to write, or maybe because I’m a hopeless romantic I-Love-Lucy style. (See, oh, just about any blog entry to understand why)

In any case, I have a point, and yes, I’m getting to it. It’s a question of the day type of post today, and I’ll be drawing a few names randomly to win a book from my backlist, so here goes. What’s your favorite romantic comedy? Come on, share. Inquiring minds want — need — to know!