Middle:I'll be in the library.

Me: Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?

Middle: Oh and I need twenty bucks.

Me: Ah, there you are... [bookaside slug="rainy-day-friends"]


Me: So if I upgrade to U-verse I'll get a faster internet?

AT&T: Yes you will be paying for a faster internet.

Me: Wait. I get that I'll be paying for it, but will I actually GET it?

AT&T: Yes. Soon as we put U-verse in your area.

Head thunk. [bookaside slug="hot-winter-nights"] +++++++

Me: I'm going to need you to relinquish your stash of M&Ms pronto.

Alpha Man: You made me promise to never ever ever relinquish them into your possession.

Me: It's an emergency.

Alpha Man: You said you'd say that, and I was to hold firm.

Me: Hold firm and die.

Alpha Man: ...

Me: WHAT? Just say it.

Alpha Man: I can't. Last time I asked if it was that time of month you put it on your blog and everyone thought I was a dumbass. [bookaside slug="about-that-kiss"] Me: I wouldn't read my blog tomorrow if I was you.