Middle:I'll be in the library.
Me: Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?
Middle: Oh and I need twenty bucks.
Me: Ah, there you are...
Me: So if I upgrade to U-verse I'll get a faster internet?
AT&T: Yes you will be paying for a faster internet.
Me: Wait. I get that I'll be paying for it, but will I actually GET it?
AT&T: Yes. Soon as we put U-verse in your area.
Me: I'm going to need you to relinquish your stash of M&Ms pronto.
Alpha Man: You made me promise to never ever ever relinquish them into your possession.
Me: It's an emergency.
Alpha Man: You said you'd say that, and I was to hold firm.
Me: Hold firm and die.
Alpha Man: ...
Me: WHAT? Just say it.
Alpha Man: I can't. Last time I asked if it was that time of month you put it on your blog and everyone thought I was a dumbass.
Me: I wouldn't read my blog tomorrow if I was you.